


Piercing

by BerthaMason



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Choking, Darkfic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Masochism, Masturbation, Psychological Horror, Rey gives Kylo his scar, Rey is an Escort, Sadism, Self-Harm, Stress induced psychosis, Unreliable Narrator, kylo is drugged, sociopathic tendencies, they're both unstable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:40:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27968453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerthaMason/pseuds/BerthaMason
Summary: Kylo Ren is afraid he's going to kill his friends. After a close call at a Christmas party, he decides he needs to get it out of his system by killing a stranger.When the night finally comes, Kylo finds himself completely overwhelmed and unprepared for the one thing he did not take into account; Rey. A twisted game of cat and mouse ensues, leaving Kylo unsure which one of them is going to make it out alive.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 48
Kudos: 48





	1. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a lot of dialogue about killing people. I already tagged most things that will be in the story later, and I will note when there is any change or addition.

It would be so easy for him to do it. She was just lying there, completely helpless—a small blob of skin and bones. 

Kylo let the sharp end of the ice pick drag along her leg to see if that alone would make the piercing noise in his head stop. It excited him to see the reflective metal against her pale skin. He wanted to drive it into her abdomen and watch fresh blood seep out from the sides. 

_No. That’s not what I want._

Why did Kylo hide an ice pick in his suit jacket pocket if that’s not what he wanted? 

Her eyes unexpectedly flutter open, startling Kylo into dropping the pick onto the mattress. She is completely unaware of the ice pick and bats her dark eyelashes at him, happy to see him standing over her.

He reaches for the pick just as the bedroom door he left slightly ajar is pushed open.

“Hey, there you are. I was wondering where you ran off to.” Rose, his oldest childhood friend, whispers when she sees him standing in the dimly lit room. 

Kylo is able to quickly slide the weapon into his side pocket before Rose makes it to his side.

“Oh, look who’s awake,” she cooed, “did uncle Kylo scare you? Hmm?” She reaches down into the crib and lifted the now fully awake infant. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just needed some quiet.” Kylo knew it was impossible, but he was still scared she could sense what was running through his mind. He rubbed the back of his neck and pulled at the small patch of hair that was there to distract himself; because if Rose ever found out what was wrong with him, she would have him locked up. 

_She would never speak to me again._

But more importantly, she would have Kylo locked up. Kylo didn’t want to be institutionalized. Who would he stab then? They don’t let patients bring their favorite ice pick with them when they check-in. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Rose expertly balances the infant in one arm and reaches out to him with the other, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad you came. I know parties aren’t your _thing,_ but I saw you out there mingling, and I’m very proud of you.”

After Kylo’s mother died their sophomore year of high school, Rose took it upon herself to take care of him as if she was his parent. She made sure he took care of his hygiene, that he applied for the same colleges as her so she could continue to keep an eye on him, and that he stayed on track to get his degree in business. He thought she would forget about him after college when she married Hux and had a baby, but she still managed to keep a careful eye on him throughout it all. He found it very aggravating. 

_No. Rose is family._

Kylo found Rose’s friendship smothering and wanted to drive his ice pick into the soft spot in the back of her head. 

“You can chill out here for as long as you need, but I know for a fact that Bazine would be more than happy to keep you company underneath the mistletoe.” Rose winked at him and immediately turned her attention to the now babbling infant on her hip.

“And you missy are going with your father so I can drink some more eggnog.”

Kylo was left all alone in the room with nothing but a piercing noise in his ears to keep him company. He regretted not killing the baby. 

_I would never kill Paige._

Kylo regretted not killing the baby, and he pondered for a couple of minutes on when he’d get the opportunity again. 

The indistinguishable loud popping sound of a champagne bottle opening called out to Kylo. He followed the hum of chattering people back downstairs, his eyes lingering on each photograph that hung up on the stairway. There was a picture of Rose and Hux on their wedding day, a picture of Rose and Kylo when they graduated from college, a picture of the small family the day Paige was born, and a couple of random childhood photos Kylo was in as well.

Cheerful music welcomed him onto the first floor where people from work and people he barely recognized were scattered, talking about work, sports teams he didn’t know, or plans for the holidays. These conversations were part of the reason he went upstairs in the first place. 

_I told you I didn’t want to kill Paige._

The other part was because he wanted to kill the baby. 

He successfully maneuvered his way around several conversations on the way to the coffee table where a fresh bottle of champagne sat and poured himself a small glass. He barely touched the glass to his lips when a long painted fingernail was tapping him on the shoulder. 

“Hi, Kylo.” Bazine flashes a smile up at him, and he does his best to smile back. He takes a long sip of champagne and awkwardly stares down at her for another minute before muttering out a 'hello' back. 

“I was so glad to see you here. I feel like I don’t get to see you at the office all that much.”

That wasn’t an accident. When Rose first started hinting that Bazine had an interest in him, Kylo indulged in the fantasy of dating her - dating anyone actually, since that was something he'd never done before. Bazine would happily go with him to dinner where they would spend the evening getting to know one another and laughing at each other's jokes. The imaginary conversations Kylo had in his head went well, and the food was delicious, but he always ended the night by slitting her throat with a steak knife. 

“Mmm-hmm.” He mumbled into his glass, downing the rest of the champagne. Kylo poured himself another glass, filling his cup to the brim this time. He took a long swig of it before turning his attention back to Bazine, who was still staring up at him attentively. 

“Thirsty?” She laughs, taking a sip from her own cup. Kylo shakes his head 'no' then immediately drinks the rest of it. 

“Whoah there. You know what might help your nerves?” Bazine smirks and steps closer to him, standing on her tip toes so that her mouth is right by his ear. "If you stabbed me in the gut until I choked on my own blood.”

Kylo jumps back so fast he almost looses his footing completley. 

“Wh-wh-what did you say?”

Kylo can feel the alcohol in his system now. Only, it doesn't loosen him up, it makes the muscles in his limbs stiff and his heart start to race, and it takes almost all of his energy to regain his composure. 

“I said we should go someplace quiet to talk. Just the two of us.”

Kylo frantically looks around the room, but the only person staring at him is Paige. Hux has her cradled in one arm as he laughs along to something Gwen from accounting is saying. Hux is holding a rattle in front of her face, shaking itintermittently, but Paige’s attention is squarely on him.

“I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.” Kylo doesn't wait for a reply before rushing out of the room and back up the stairs to the bathroom he knows will be empty. 

He barges into Rose and Hux’s bedroom and lockes himself in their bathroom. His mind is racing, and his face feels hot to the touch, like it's about to burst into flames. Splashing cold water onto his cheeks helps cool off, but the piercing sound is making his heart pound painfully against his chest. 

Kylo steadies himself before gripping the edge of the sink. His knuckles turn a sickly shade of white, so he closes his eyes to stay focused. 

_Ten._

_Nine._

_Eight._

The pressure in his ears and the back of his throat build and he squeezes tighter. 

_Seven._

_Six._

_Five._

The piercing noise quiets down, and the only thing he can hear is the pounding of his eardrums. 

_Four._

_Three._

_Two._

Kylo opens his eyes and the first thing he focuses in on is his hands around his neck. Gripping tightly, he gives himself one final squeeze before letting go. His instincts tell him to gasp for air, but he stays quiet and watches tears gather in the corner of his eyes. None of them fall, but it always comforted him knowing they were there. 

He puts his ice pick back into the hidden pocket on the inside of his jacket and waits for the red marks on his throat to go down before going back downstairs. His cheeks lighten from a bright red to a flushed pink, but he goes downstairs anyway. He can always blame it on the alcohol anyways.

Kylo spends the rest of the evening avoiding direct eye contact with Bazine and listening to Rose’s delightful anecdotes and infectious laughter. It was easy for him to melt into the background and pretend that everything was okay for a while, but eventually, the ringing came back. He rubs his temples in annoyance. This was a big problem, and if he didn’t take care of it soon, he would lose control and hurt the ones closest to him.

Later into the night, as Kylo watched Hux carry a sleeping Paige back up to her room, Kylo resolves in himself what he needs to do. This anxiety had plagued him for years as a constant cloud of uncertainty, but he wasn’t anxious anymore. He was afraid. The uncertainty materialized in front of him, and the threat was now solid and clear. 

Kylo needs to kill someone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Piercing](https://youtu.be/7pj5u4r_eSE)


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo checks in.

Kylo spends a couple of days debating who to kill. At first, he tinkered with the idea of killing a bum in an alleyway, but that would leave too many variables to chance. He would have to do it at a hotel out of town, and the victim would have to be an escort.

_The first step is to get her tied up and gagged. As soon as the ice pick is taken out, she’ll most likely scream and try to run, so if she’s incapacitated already, it makes it that much easier._

It was difficult finding an escort service that provided “special” packages to suit his needs, but after diligently scouring the internet, Kylo found one that was careless enough to accept a pre-paid gift card instead of a credit card.

Zorii Bliss will meet him at the First Order hotel, December thirty-first, at 8 p.m. 

From his readings into various macabre topics, fictional and non-fictional alike, Kylo found most mistakes were made when killers tried too hard to dispose of the bodies. He would have to do the opposite. He would take a taxi to the next city and rent a room at a hotel where he could give a fake name and pay in cash. He would get the prostitute tied up and gagged, kill her, then leave her remains to be discovered by the cleaning staff. 

_It might also be a good idea to leave a written note about how “radio transmissions” told me to kill just to throw the police off._

Look at Kylo Ren having a good idea for once.

Two days before Christmas, Kylo is sitting on his couch drinking hot chocolate and watching the news when he hears about a local woman who killed her husband and his lover after finding them in bed together. The police officer they were interviewing was adamant that the woman was mentally unstable, though Kylo sides with the woman. Not only did she shoot the people in cold blood, but she also severed their Achilles tendons beforehand. According to the officer, when that particular tendon is severed, it makes a sound as loud as a gunshot. 

_That’s disgusting._

He might as well see for himself how it sounds. 

_I just need to stab her—nothing else._

Kylo will already have a woman tied up and gagged. Who knew when he would get the opportunity to again, or if he’d even have the desire to. He might as well make the most of it and cut her up into little pieces. 

_I don’t think I need to do that._

He wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted, but there was no harm in preparing for it.

With that in mind, Kylo needed more than his ice pick. To get the job done, he would need a knife. The only knives he had at his apartment were a butter knife and a small paring knife, so he spent the rest of the evening meticulously researching one to buy.

In his research, Kylo reads all about German knives and how they are thick and heavy and suitable for chefs who need to do anything from mincing garlic to cutting through chicken bones. The thick blades are curved, allowing the chef a much smoother rocking motion. These knives are also made with softer steel, which meant they would need to be sharpened more often. 

Japanese knives, on the other hand, are thin and razor-sharp. The lightweight blade is much straighter than German knives, making them ideal for chefs who need more precision while slicing things like tuna or a tomato. These knives are made with much harder steel, so they don't need to be sharpened as often but were prone to cracking. 

He would need the sharpest knife possible to cut through a human’s muscles and bone but couldn’t risk the knife breaking. A thicker blade may last him through the night, but would he tire himself out before he could adequately cut up the body? After much deliberation, Kylo purchases the Wüsthof classic craftsman knife. It is seven inches of high carbon stainless steel forged in Solingen, Germany, and it scared him how excited he was to use it. 

There will definitely be a lot of blood, so Kylo will need several changes of clothes. He buys a gaudy red tracksuit two sizes too big to wear when he checks in and a business casual outfit to go back home. For his appointment, he packs his best suit, hoping the better dressed he is, the more likely the escort will have her guard down. 

In case of an emergency, Kylo finds a recipe online for chloroform that he can make with items around his apartment. He had the bleach for cleaning, and luckily, a can of acetone from repainting the crown molding in the kitchen the past summer. 

The website had given clear instructions to let the mixture settle for an hour before using it, but Kylo was too anxious. As soon as he made his first batch, he practices on himself to see how potent it is. 

He brings the soaked rag up to his nose and winces at the pungent odor. It burns his nostrils to inhale, but he holds the rag firm against his face as he convulses back into his pillows.

***

Kylo's lids feel heavy when he finally stirs back to consciousness. He blinks up at the ceiling, waiting for the black spots to clear out, and when he regains his vision fully, he realizes the retching sound in the room is coming from him. He can't lift his head right away, but he is able to lift his arm enough to check the time. 

_Fourteen minutes._

Kylo will have fourteen minutes if things get out of hand and he needs to knock the escort out. 

He writes down the time in his red notebook before rushing to the bathroom to throw up. 

After downing a cold glass of water, Kylo soaks the rag again and covers his mouth and nose with it. As a heavy fog settles over him, the last thing that runs through his mind is how quiet the piercing noise is. 

***

The taxi ride to Takodana is peaceful. The driver greets Kylo when he first gets into the car, but thankfully no other conversation is attempted. He is dropped off by a laundry mat in a run-down strip mall and walks the remaining mile to the hotel. 

Checking in under the name 'Ben ' is easy. There aren't any security cameras in the lobby, and no one but the man at the front desk sees him checking in.

Kylo is pleased to see that the room is on the top floor all the way to the end of the hall. He makes sure to open the door with the handkerchief stuffed in his pocket and walks around the room, taking in the small details while making sure not to touch anything. The grey sheets are pulled tightly against the mattress, the carpet is fraying near the couch, the minibar is fully stocked, and the bathroom smells faintly of disinfectant. 

Kylo neatly unpacks the ice pick, knife, rope, chloroform and rag, notebook, a pair of leather gloves he decided to bring last-minute and arranges them in a row on the bed before changing into his suit. When he is done, he sits on the couch and waits...staring at the blank wall on the other side of the room. He sits like this for almost forty minutes, doing absolutely nothing.

Despite the room being set to a cool seventy degrees, Kylo's hands get too sweaty in the gloves and he has to take them off. 

“I’ve never done S&M before. Is it okay if I tie you up?” Kylo speaks to the air while crossing his legs with false confidence and smoothing his gloves over the armrest of the couch. 

No questions.

“I’ve never done S&M before, but I would like to tie you up now,” he repeats aloud.

Take charge.

_I don’t want to be rude._

Kylo is going to stab this woman and cut her into pieces; there is no reason for him to feign civility. 

“I’m going to tie you up now.” He is surprised at the authoritative tone in his voice and straightens his shoulders to match how he feels. 

“Just over there,” he gestures to the bed and stands up, “sure. After you.”

He collects his items from the bed, except for the rope, and shoves them underneath one of the pillows. 

“You can undress now. Wow,” he sits on the edge of the bed and imagines watching a woman in a gaudy sequined outfit undress in front of him, “You look gorgeous. Where are you from? Oh really, the city? I was born in a small town, but my whole life is in the city now.”

She's naked in front of him now, so Kylo gets up and strokes her cheek. She smiles up at him as he begins tying up her arms. He's careful not to make too many sudden movements. She needs to be calm. 

“You look beautiful tied up like this. I just think it’s really-”

Kylo thrusts his hand over her nose and mouth and throws them both onto the bed in a matter of seconds. His weight keeps her pinned, and he squeezes his legs around nothing as he tries to imagine the feeling of her bucking her hips into him. 

He reaches out above her and pulls the would-be chloroform-soaked rag over her mouth. After thirty seconds, her body goes limp underneath him, and he’s able to grab the ice pick. 

The woman he imagines isn't big by any means, but he still struggles to lift her. He carefully drags her to the bathroom, and once her body is slumped over the tub, he leans over her and pulls her hair hard enough to lift her head. With her neck perfectly exposed to him, he slowly pushes the ice pick in. He imagines the faintest gurgling sound as blood oozes out of her mouth, but it’s the squelching sound that her throat makes when the ice pick finally pierces her trachea that makes his heart beat fast and hard against his chest.

He pulls the ice pick out and watches as the blood splatters all over the tub. It makes a glorious sound, and he almost smiles. 

Kylo has to run back to the pillow and get the knife. He’ll have to leave that in the bathroom to avoid dripping blood all over the place unnecessarily. 

When he's back in the bathroom, he slices at her Achilles tendon but is unsure how to imagine the sound, so he makes a loud pop with his mouth. 

He takes a long look at his imaginary handy work and sighs in relief. 

_I did it._

Kylo hasn’t done anything yet, but his optimism is encouraging. 

Things will probably not go as smoothly as imagined, but he remains confident in his ability to overpower the woman and keep her quiet if need be. 

By the time the knife is hidden behind the toilet and the ice pick and rope are placed back onto the bed, it's 7:21 p.m. His heart hasn’t settled in the slightest, so Kylo stupidly decides to soak the handkerchief in chloroform and get cozy on the couch.

_It won’t take long. I’ll wake up with enough time._

_***_

Kylo does not wake up on time. 

The sound of knocking finally wakes him from the spot on the couch he passed out on. He gags as he comes to and looks around frantically. 

It’s 8:01. 

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

Thankfully there is a full-length mirror hanging next to the door, so he is able to straighten his jacket and tie and run his hand through his hair a couple of times. Kylo opens the door haphazardly and stifles his cough as he comes face to face with the woman. 

“Ben?” 

“Y-yes. Yes. Sorry. Come in. I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“No worries, it was only like two minutes.” She waits for him to move to the side before walking in, her large tote bag held tightly under her arm.

She was nothing like he imagined. He had pictured a platinum blonde with a choppy bob and an Australian accent for some reason, but instead, she had a cheery British accent and chestnut-colored hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail.

She takes a good look around the room, trying to identify anything out of the ordinary. Her eyes linger on the handkerchief that had been dropped to the floor in Kylo’s rush to get to the door, but she doesn't say anything. 

_Oh God. She’s going to run. She knows._

Kylo takes a deep breath trying to hide the panic that was lancing through his body. He has to remain in control. 

“So,” he clears his throat, “Zorii, I uh-”

“Rey.” 

“What?”

She turns back to face him with a smile that makes his cheeks burn.

“Zorii had to cancel last minute. I’m Rey.”


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is in over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the self-harm tag comes in, but it is not with the intention of suicide.

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal that a replacement was sent, but as Kylo stood over the minibar getting Rey the vodka soda she asked for, he found himself panicking about how the rest of his plan would play out. 

“Oh, I almost forgot- is it alright if I use your phone?” She asks, hovering behind him, most likely making sure he doesn't do anything to her drink.

“Yes," he says so quietly that the sound of the club soda being poured into the glass almost drowns him out completely. 

She waits for her drink before walking over to the end table where the phone is. Kylo, on the other hand, stays next to the bar, too afraid to move. Things were already off to a shaky start, and the worry that something else was going to go wrong was settling uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. 

“Hey Plutt,” she whispers into the phone, “I’m here. Everything looks fine. He looks fine.” Rey’s eyes are squarely on the handkerchief next to her foot.

The voice on the other end of the line is muffled, so Kylo’s not sure what she says ‘okay, no problem’ to, but she hangs up quickly and is gulping down the drink in no time.

She takes off her large fur coat before sitting down on the couch, and Kylo is finally able to get a full view of what she’s wearing. He swallows hard at the sight of her leather overalls and how the tight fabric stretches across the slopes of her body. She’d forgone an undershirt, allowing him to see how the shiny straps of her bra wrapped around her body and across her chest in the shape of a star. 

Kylo debates whether to pick up the handkerchief but decides not to make a big deal of it and takes a seat in the armchair facing her.

The stiff velvet blue armchair seems to lean more toward fashion than function since it takes him a while to get settled. Wanting to appear in control without looking too austere, Kylo crosses his legs and rests his hands in his lap. He also tries returning the courteous smile she had initially given him, but he could feel the tension in his cheeks and knew he looked more creepy than friendly. 

“I’ve never done anything like this before,” Kylo blurts out into the lingering silence. 

Maybe he should take a few seconds to think through what he says before opening his mouth. 

“That’s okay.” She drops her hand down to rest on her upper thigh. “There’s no reason to be nervous or anything. I could give you a massage- get you nice and relaxed first. Would you like that?”

“No.”

Kylo is surprised to recognize the way she flinches back slightly, hurt by his immediate rejection. 

“I requested Zorii because I was told she was an expert in S&M.” He notes once again how she flinches back as if his words had slapped her in the face. Maybe while he’s at it, Kylo could say something really mean to her, like how she’s a worthless nobody and that her parents were probably addicts who sold her off for drugs, and that’s why she fucks people for a living. 

“Well...I may not have the expertise that Zorii has in that department, but I’m very good at taking orders if that’s what you want.” 

“Would I be able to tie you up?”

“Of course. We can do anything you want to do.” She let her legs fall open, giving him the perfect view to see the outline of her cunt against the taut fabric. 

Kylo could feel the inconvenient stirring of his lower half as she began to tease herself.

He could hear her voice again, but it was muffled underneath the piercing ring that filled his head as he watched her rub along her center. Maybe Kylo could fuck her before he kills her. It would be a shame to waste that body. And technically, that is what he’s paying for. 

_I’m not going to fuck her._

“Ben?” 

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked what the nastiest thing you’ve ever done is. Maybe I could help you top it tonight. Only if you want, of course.”

_The nastiest thing I’ve done? Should I tell her about when mommy would beat me and I would-_

She is certainly is not going to want to hear any of that. Make something up like getting pegged while sucking on a pacifier. See how she responds to that. 

_I don’t even know what that means._

Obviously, Kylo does know what it means. 

Rey clears her throat, and when he looks up from between her legs, she’s smirking as if she knows what he's thinking. 

“Would you like to watch me touch myself, Ben?”

He wasn’t planning on anything sexual happening, but her hazel eyes were drawing him in, and the small moans that were leaving her body with every upward stroke made his cock twitch. 

“O-okay.”

He’s unbearably hot now, and he regrets not setting the air conditioning to sixty-five degrees. He has to wipe his hands on his pants multiple times before they feel dry again. 

Rey unbuttons the front of her overalls and lets the front flap fall open. Before he can acclimate to having a full view of her bra, she lifts her hips from the couch and wiggles out of the outfit, slipping her black heels off in the process. 

She wastes no time dropping her hand back down between her legs, and Kylo’s face reddens in excitement and embarrassment.

 _I shouldn’t be watching this._

Kylo continues to watch, though, reluctant to look away.

Rey moves her black underwear aside, and he catches a glimpse of her pink folds before her hand blocks his view. The way her fingers circle her clit and disappear into herself makes Kylo lightheaded, but he forces his eyes open. 

Every shallow gasp that spills out of her mouth goes straight through Kylo’s body in a way that makes him want to claw himself out of it. His eyes are dilated, making the dim mood lighting almost too bright, and the constriction of his chest makes his heartbeat feel more like palpitations. Kylo longs for the chill of the December air against his perspiring skin, almost more than he wants to stay seated and watch as the woman in front of him fingers herself. 

A strange pressure travels up his throat, and he worries that it’s vomit. It is, however, much worse: a laugh. He tries to cover his mouth when he realizes what sound is coming out of it, but it’s too late. She hears him, and the look on her face makes him feel terrible. 

Rey immediately removes her hands, looking just as ashamed as Kylo. She doesn’t look him in the eye as she collects her bag from the ground and excuses herself to the restroom. 

“Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh at you.” He shoots up from the chair to stop her from getting any farther, but she pushes past him anyway.

“No, no, it’s okay. I didn’t get to take a shower before coming here anyway, so I’m going to do that, and then we can do whatever you want.” Her words come out fast, and Kylo hears the bathroom door slamming before he can process everything she said. 

_Fuck. I blew it._

Kylo did blow it. But that doesn't mean the night is a total loss. She is already in the bathroom. All Kylo has to do now is catch her off guard when she comes out and stab her. 

_Okay, all I need to do is catch her off guard and then stab her. Everything will be fine after that. At least, I hope so._

Everything will be fine. You just need to relax. Kylo needs to relax. 

Kylo takes a deep breath to center himself and walks over to the bathroom. The glimmer of the ice pick shines in the corner of his eye, and he’s almost thrown back into a tailspin. The ice pick was in clear view on the bed. Rey was practically running to the restroom, so there was a chance she didn't notice it, but that doesn't stop Kylo from worrying about it. 

He makes note of the time and gives her ten minutes before knocking on the door, taking that time to hide the ice pick and douse the rag under the pillow with chloroform. When ten minutes is up, he shuffles over and gives the door a light knock.

The shower is going, but he can see a shadow pacing back and forth from underneath the door. 

“Rey, are you okay?” There is no response, but he decides to give her another five minutes anyway. 

He sits on the bed and tries to focus on the calming sound of water hitting the tub rather than the piercing noise ringing around his head. There is the faintest sound of pills rattling around in a bottle, but Kylo is too busy trying to calm himself down to focus on anything else.

Another ten minutes pass before he knocks on the door again. 

“Hey, are you alright in there?”

There is no answer. 

“Rey, I’m sorry.” He hoped that saying her name would get some sort of response, but there was no such luck. He couldn’t even see her shadow pacing around the room anymore. 

Kylo reaches for the doorknob despite the strong feeling that it was locked, and surprisingly, it isn’t. 

“Hey,” he calls out over the sound of the water, slowly turning the knob, “I’m coming in, okay?” 

The mirror is completely fogged over from the steam, and because the door opens in, his view of the bathroom is completely blocked.

“Rey?”

He catches the sound of the faintest moan, and when he steps into the door completely, Kylo’s eyes go wide at the sight of Rey at the edge of the tub, stabbing herself in the thigh with a pair of scissors. 

The first thing he notices is the sound of it. The sound of her flesh splitting open from the sharp blade mingles with the shrill piercing in his head and makes his skull vibrate. His eardrums feel about ready to burst, but then it all goes quiet. 

On impulse, he lunges for her, but she screams out immediately. _That_ he does hear. 

Her shrill scream stops him in his tracks, and he’s able to catch a glimpse of the mirror rattling from the echo.

He takes a step back into the wall to show her he isn’t going to touch her. 

_Blood. So much blood. Her thigh is covered in blood._

Kylo is unsure of what to do, so he stays still against the wall and watches as Rey continues the assault on the meaty part of her thigh. She doesn’t seem to be going too deep, but what her stabs lack in depth, they make up for in volume. 

Kylo looks out the door, debating whether to leave her alone with the scissors while he calls for help. He’d certainly have enough time to hide all his tools before the ambulance gets to them. As he steps out of the room, he hears her gasp and turns just as a look of fear washes over her face. Her bloody hand is still hovering in the air, tightly clutching the scissors, and she sucks in a large breath to scream again. Kylo rushes back to his place against the wall in a panic. 

“Wait,” he pleads with his hands up in surrender, “please! Don’t scream. I’m not going anywhere. Okay? Do you understand me?” 

She puts her hand down slowly to the side and nods.

“Okay. Good,” he sighs. 

It occurs to Kylo just then that his knife is still in the bathroom, and as if reading his mind, Rey turns her head to the toilet. The knife, which he’d hidden on the floor behind the bowl, was now dead center on the tank. 

The telephone rings then, startling only Kylo. 

“Please,” he pleads, “I have to go get that.” 

She looks over Kylo’s shoulder and then back at him. Her eyes seemed empty, but he still waits for any slight hint of a nod that she understood he wouldn’t leave her.

She nods her head, stabbing herself a final time before he turns and runs to the phone. 

_It’s all over. Someone’s complained about the noise, and the police are on their way._

“Hello,” Kylo whispers into the receiver. 

“Hello, Mr. Ren. Is everything alright, sir?” The calm voice was unfamiliar but sounded similar to the man who checked him in. 

“Everythings fine.”

“Did you find the room to your satisfaction?”

Kylo doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until he stutters out a yes in response. 

“Excellent. I was actually calling because you might not be aware, but all of the rooms are occupied tonight, and some of our guests are already sleeping. We would very much appreciate it if you could keep the volume as _low_ as possible.” 

“Oh. Of course.” Kylo tries to sound as courteous as possible. “I had the TV on way too loud, but I am turning in for the night so the noise will no longer be a problem.” 

It’s so quiet on the other end that for a moment, Kylo thinks the man has hung up. 

He hears an odd scraping sound coming from the phone, then hears the man on the other end of the line sigh. 

“You know Kylo...you could still kill her.”

Every muscle in his body goes stiff. 

“W-w-what did you say?”

“Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Have a great night.”

The dial tone is beeping in his ear before he can open his mouth to protest. 

_Fuck._

The water is turned off in the bathroom, and Kylo can hear Rey shuffling around, so he rushes back over to her and finds her throwing her bag over her shoulder, scissors still in hand. 

“Are you going to take me to the hospital?” She asks nonchalantly as if the past five minutes hadn't just happened. 

“Uhh,” he takes a moment to think- wait, Kylo isn’t really considering taking her, is he?

“Yes.” He steps forward slowly and holds out his hand. “But you have to give me the scissors first.” 

She scrunches her face at him and turns her body in a defensive position. Her eyes are on his feet instead of his face, and the closer he gets, the more she turns away from him.

“It’s okay,” he whispers, “It’s all going to be okay.”

Kylo steps toward her, trying to grab hold of the scissors first so she doesn’t stab either of them. He’s unsuccessful, but he keeps his body close to hers. Rey twists and turns in his grasp so much that her back is flush against his chest. 

“Please. Don’t be scared,” Kylo heaves out as she digs her elbows into his gut, “please. You need to drop the scissors.”

He tries to center himself, but the floor is slippery with her blood, and they keep knocking into the counter and the wall. 

Rey’s head is thrashing back into his face, so he can’t tell exactly what is going on, but he finally feels the cool metal and smacks it down to the ground. As soon as the scissors clatter to the ground, Rey doubles over, and he feels the expanse of her back against his chest as she takes a deep breath in before screaming. 

Kylo wraps one of his arms around her to keep both of her arms down and uses his free hand to cover her mouth. Muffling her screams only works to aggravate her more, and she continues to wiggle her backside against him. 

There is too many stimuli for Kylo, and the only thing he can focus on is the pressure of her ass against him until he feels the sharp pain of her incisors chomping down on the flesh between his thumb and index finger. 

The fog from the mirror has cleared by then, and Kylo can see how her face is scrunched up around his hand. He feels the moment her teeth break the skin, and it takes everything within him not to scream out as she had. 

Kylo really needs to kill her now.

“Rey.” He breathes through the pain. “It’s okay. Shhh, shhh. I’m not going to hurt you.” 

Kylo’s head is nestled perfectly into her neck, and he can feel the pulse of her jugular against his lips. The pumping of her blood distracts him from the pain in his hand, and he’s able to steady his breathing.

“Just relax. Please. It’s going to be okay.” Every word Kylo speaks gives him a taste of her salty skin, and he wants to keep talking because of it. 

“That’s it,” he whispers against her ear as she opens her mouth enough to drop his hand, “good girl.” 

He feels her relax against him, and the soft whimpers that escape her lips make his cock twitch. 

Kylo loosens his grip around her body, and when she flinches, he’s afraid she’s going to scream again, but she only moves back into him. He feels the movement of her hips, and Kylo’s mind is working overtime to untangle the confusing signals his body is sending, from the throbbing of his hand to the throbbing of his cock. 

The idea of kissing her flashes in his mind, and before he can stop himself, his lips are settled in the space behind her ear. He moves his head down to kiss her neck, but she slumps forward, and Kylo struggles for a moment to hold her up. 

He looks into the mirror to see that her whole body has gone slack. 

_Oh God. Please don’t be dead._

Kylo brings his hand up and lets it rest against her chest, waiting for any sign of a heartbeat. 

He feels the oddly paced beat of her heart and sighs in relief. He manages to get her bag off her and onto the counter, slips out of his shoes, is careful not to get his socks ruined with blood, and then haphazardly carries her out to the bed. 

He deposits her onto the pillows with as much care as possible and watches with a curious eye as she tosses and turns against the sheets and pillows, making herself comfy. His eyes follow the trail of blood -his blood- that is smeared against her lips and chin. 

Kylo indulges in staring at her chest as it expands and contracts underneath the fabric of her intricate lingerie and skims over her stomach straight down to what he was most interested in, her thigh. 

The impulse to reach out and touch her leg flickers in the back of his mind as his hand fidgets. He’s not sure if he wants to touch her so he can kill her or so he can feel the warmth of her skin against his, but it’s starting to overwhelm him. 

Before he knows it, he’s kneeling beside her, his hand inching closer to her wounds. 

_I just want to clean her up._

Kylo doesn’t have anything in his hands. He doesn’t want to clean up; he wants to run his hands along her leg until his fingers are crimson red and the bits of her torn flesh are under his nails. He wants to kill her. 

_No. I don’t think I do._

His fingers glide along her sticky thigh and trace a trail from the top most wound to the one on the inside of her thigh. Kylo lets his finger linger on one of the larger wounds, and before he could push in any further, Rey flinches and turns her body to the side away from him. 

He rushes to the restroom, searching for something to clean her with, and grunts in frustration when he finds only white towels. 

Rey is motionless on the bed when he returns to her side. 

“Rey? Can you hear me? Rey? I’m going to clean you up. Everything’s going to be fine. I’m just going to clean you up.” She rolls over to face him, but she’s making it difficult to wipe her off carefully. 

“You have to lay on your back,” he says more sternly, hoping she’ll listen to his command, “I need you on your back so I can clean your leg.” 

Thankfully she lets him guide her onto her back, and when he touches her, she looks up at him and starts to laugh.

At first, Kylo thinks he’s hearing things, but he looks at her face and sees her mouth wide, laughing even louder than before. Despite how she sounded, her eyes seemed utterly dead, successfully frightening him. 

_What? Why is she- what is wrong with her. I-I-I can’t do this._

Kylo has to stay and finish her off. 

_No. I have to get out of here._

Kylo wobbles up onto his feet and frantically looks around the room for his belongings. The chloroform, rag, ice pick, and journal were still tucked away under the pillows, and his knife was back behind the toilet where he had hidden it. 

After a quick scrub down of the bathroom, he changes out of his ruined suit and into the slacks and sweater he’d plan to go back home in. Rey was lying entirely still by the time he finished packing up but Kylo wasn’t worried since she had been giggling every couple of minutes, letting him know she was still alive. After getting a clean towel and wiping down every surface he touched, Kylo took one last look at the woman on his bed and ran out the door. 

Kylo shuffled down the hallway with his luggage in hand, praying that he wouldn’t see anyone in the hallway or the lobby. 

Just as he got to the elevator and pressed the down button, an older man stepped out into the hallway. Kylo rolled his eyes at his luck and shoved his trembling hands into his pocket.

_He had to have heard all the screaming. There’s no way he didn’t._

The man nods at him, and Kylo waits for him to ask about the noise, but he never does. The elevator dings and Kylo feels slightly relieved. 

As the doors slide open in front of them, Kylo hears another door opening and turns to see the bloody woman staggering out of his room in a daze. Luckily the older gentleman has already stepped into the elevator and doesn’t see her. 

“I’m sorry,” Kylo steps back and nods at the man who’s holding the door open for him, “I seem to have left something in my room.”

The man lets go of the door, and Kylo waits for it to close completely before turning back to his room.

"Ben?" She calls out to him, and Kylo does his best to walk toward her calmly as if approaching a skittish animal. However, he isn’t careful enough, and her eyes bulge open. He drops his bag on the ground to sprint to her, and his hand is over her mouth the second she opens it to scream. Thankfully, the room door is still open, so all Kylo has to do is wrap her in his arms before dragging them both into the room and slamming the door shut behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright...that escalated quickly, lol. I was debating on drawing this story out a bit so that way we got to this event a little later but that seemed unnecessary XD might as well just steamroll these two to the end.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo needs some advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a brief mention of past sexual and physical child abuse in this chapter, but there are no explicit descriptions.

Rey’s unsteadiness throws Kylo off, causing them to go tumbling down to the ground, with her safely tucked in his arms.

“Ow.” He mutters to himself.

Rey wiggles out of his grasp, and whines quietly while struggling to stand up on her own. Kylo keeps his eyes closed and tries to figure out how he's going to incapacitate her again.

_She’s not screaming anymore. I don’t think that’s necessary._

So…instead of figuring out when he can kill her, Kylo lays on the ground and rubs his temples like a little bitch?

_I just need a minute. This is all a little very overwhelming._

It’s in this minute that Kylo notices the eerie silence that has settled over him. His mind has been racing with thousands of scenarios of how the night should have panned out, and the room is being filled with Rey’s frustrated groaning, yet, it feels unusually quiet. The piercing ring in his ears had not returned since he walked into the bathroom, and its absence was confusing.

Kylo is lost in thought when he feels a presence hovering over him. He opens his eyes slowly to see Rey standing over him. 

“You said you weren’t going anywhere.” She tilts her head to the side in a curious way, examining him. She was swaying from side to side, trying to keep the weight off the injured leg, but gave off no other indication of being in pain.

“What do you want from me?” He asks in earnest. 

“I thought you were going to take me to the hospital.”

“Then why did you scream in the hallway?”

“Why were you leaving me?”

“Where are your clothes?”

“Ugh, I don’t know - enough with the questions! I’m all turned around. Can you please help me?” He would have found her whimpering amusing if she hadn’t caused him so much grief already.

Despite the grief, there’s a strange turning in Kylo’s stomach. It wasn’t empathy that he felt, but there was a strange amalgamation of pity and sympathy for this battered and bloodied creature in front of him that softens his attitude.

_I’m going to take her to the hospital._

All this back and forth is going to give Kylo whiplash if he’s not careful. 

Kylo lets out a sigh of acceptance as he rolls over to his stomach and raises himself to his feet to look for her clothes. It takes less than a minute to see that her clothes and shoes were by the couch where she had left them, but his annoyance is quickly erased when he spots the handkerchief he had forgotten about. He shoves it into his pocket, throws the overalls over his shoulder, and goes to help Rey to the couch. She tries to throw her arm over his shoulder, but her arm lands slightly below his shoulder blade since she was slumped over. Kylo bends his knees slightly so she can reach her arm securely around him and grips her waist for stability.

Her skin has gone cold from blood loss, but there’s still something enjoyable about the feeling of her underneath his grasp.

_Focus. I need to focus._

Once she’s leaning against the back of the couch, he runs to the bathroom and gets a damp towel to clean her up with. He tries not to notice the smile on her face when he’s back at her side, and when he drops to his knees in front of her, he tries not to let his nose skim the front of her body—the operative word being tries. He fails on both counts, making him feel even more ostracized from his own body. He can’t seem to control himself.

The height difference between them means that even though he is on his knees, his eye line is perfectly matched with her chest. He reaches his hand up to trace the curve of her breast but stops himself.

If Kylo wanted to feel up the escort, he should have knocked her out and done so. Right now, he has to get her cleaned up so she can go to the hospital and fulfill whatever twisted emotion was compelling him at the moment.

He lowered his sights down to her thigh and was greeted with an equally appealing view. Blood.

The most beautiful shades of crimson swirled along her leg, hypnotizing him. It seemed like such a waste to clean it up. Kylo takes a moment to take a mental picture. Hopefully, he’ll be able to remember this for the rest of his life – his very own Starry Night bathed in red.

Most of his attention is spent on gently rubbing away the dried blood around her calf and ankle. However, the open wounds still glistening with the viscous substance call him to his death, much like a siren would to a sailor. He would stay there all night fingering her tattered flesh and inhaling the subtle, powdery, floral scent that seemed to flow freely out of her pores if he could. But that was one more indulgence just out of reach.

When Kylo was satisfied with his cleaning, he slowly worked her feet into her overalls pant legs. His nose bumped into her abdomen a couple of times accidentally (most times purposefully), and he took every opportunity to breathe deeply, inhaling as much of her as he could.

_She smells nice - like fresh violets and metal._

Rey’s pant legs don’t easily slide up her leg, and it doesn’t help that Kylo is trying his hardest to be gentle with her.

“Son of a bitch.” He mutters under his breath. 

“Is something wrong?” She’s not smiling, but he can sense the goading in her voice.

He roughly pulls the overalls over her hips in retaliation, but she doesn’t seem bothered.

“Why would you wear overalls? What happened to a good old-fashioned, and easily accessible, dress.”

Rey’s head lazily rolls from left to right before she answers him.

“I told you Zorii canceled last minute. This was all I had clean.” She slurs the last couple of words, and though it is most likely due to the blood loss, Kylo is reminded of the sound of rattling pills he heard while she was in the bathroom.

“Are you high or something?”

“Why do you care?”

“You’re not really acting like someone who just mangled their own leg.”

“ _I’m_ acting weird?” She laughed. “You’re the one acting weird.”

Kylo knew he hadn’t passed for suave or sophisticated in the least bit but hearing her observation of him made him nervous. Technically, he hadn’t done anything harmful to her, but with her leg in the state it was, it would be her word against his if she called the police. He stayed silent as he stood back up and clasped her overalls closed.

After helping Rey get comfortable on the couch, Kylo called a taxi. There was an urgent clinic only twelve minutes away from the hotel compared to the twenty-minute drive to the city hospital. Either way, the driver would not be able to get to them for another thirty minutes, so with no other options, Kylo graciously accepted.

Maybe now would be a good idea to give the room another once over. Because of his little meltdown earlier, Kylo had forgotten his handkerchief. He should be sure that nothing else was left behind.

_Shit! My bag. I left it in the hallway._

Kylo shot up from his seat and rushed across the room, and a small whimper made him stop in his tracks. Rey was looking at him wide-eyed, her mouth open to ask the question he could already guess. 

“Don’t worry. I’m coming right back,” he said before quickly getting the bag that had been thrown haphazardly to the ground.

Rey didn’t say anything when he came back into the room, but he could sense the clear ‘thank you’ that was resting at the tip of her tongue.

The next twenty minutes are spent going around the room, looking for anything out of place.

Kylo finds himself compulsively look back to the couch every couple of minutes to make sure that he can see the rise and fall of Rey’s chest. When he’s done, he helps Rey put on her coat, collects their bags in one arm, and leads her out of the room.

***

It’s New Year’s Eve, but the roads are surprisingly empty.

Kylo makes sure to situate himself as far away from Rey as physically possible in the back of the taxi, but it takes less than five minutes for her to worm herself underneath his arm. The contact wasn’t wholly unwelcomed, but he felt a pang of guilt, finding comfort in the woman he was going to kill not too long ago.

“You know…you’re really handsome up close.” Rey tilts her head to look at him, but Kylo keeps his gaze on the headrest in front of him. It’s a strange compliment, and Kylo is unsure what to say, so he just whispers a thank you.

“Psst,” she whispers, her fingers make their way to his chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat before lingering on his sternum. “Psst. Ben. Hey, Ben.” Her fingers slowly inch up until they’re settled on his throat. She taps his Adam’s apple lightly, making him cough reflexively. 

“What is it?” He asks, trying not to sound too annoyed.

“I know why you called me.” 

He meets her gaze then, and with the passing lights of the streetlights, he can see her smiling.

“I’m on to you,” She says loud enough for the driver to hear.

“O-o-on to what?”

She laughs when he stutters, and a wave of embarrassment and paranoia overcomes him.

_What could she possibly know?_

Thankfully, they pull up to the urgent clinic, successfully distracting him from his impending anxiety attack. 

The parking lot is empty except for two cars and a turned-over shopping cart. Most of the light illuminating the lot comes from the clinic, but there is a dim glow coming from the payphone off to the side of the building.

Kylo places their bags on the side of the road and rushes over to help Rey out of the car before the driver rushes off. Rey curses under her breath for having to move so quickly, which makes Kylo chuckle.

He gives her back her bag and walks her to the entrance before slowly backing away. He hadn’t been to a hospital or clinic of any kind in so long (despite Rose’s constant nagging), and he didn’t have the nerve to start today.

Rey reaches to pull the door open but drops her hand immediately when she turns to see him not following.

“Aren’t you gonna come in?” The bravado she had in the taxi was gone, and he can hear her voice falter.

“No.”

“But…your hand. You should probably get it looked at.”

_Oh, that’s right. She bit me._

“No, uh, it’s okay.” He looks down and winces at the bruised and bloody marks on his hand. “I’m okay. I don’t really like hospitals, but I’ll be right here.”

“You’ll be here?”

He turns to see a metal bench beside the payphone and places his bag on it as if that meant he couldn’t run away as soon as she went inside.

“I’ll wait right here for you.”

She takes a step back and loses her balance but steadies herself before Kylo can reach out to help her.

“It might take a while.” She pleas with him.

“That’s okay.”

“And you’re going to stay with me tonight, right?”

“I can.”

Rey takes a cautious step back, almost too afraid to have him out of her sight.

“You promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

It wasn’t his most convincing performance, but she seemed satisfied with it, and he waits for her to disappear behind the frosted glass before sitting on the bench. 

Kylo tried to focus on his chewed-up hand while waiting for Rey, but the pain had been steadily increasing, and it was starting to become excruciating.

He tried to think about what he was going to do about Rey, but that was just as frustrating.

There’s not much else to think about in the dead of night outside of an urgent clinic on New Year’s Eve, waiting for the woman you may or may not kill, so of course, his mind wanders to his mother. The last time she took him to the doctor was when he was ten and had started wetting the bed again. Eventually, his father got so fed up with the continual washing of sheets that he was forced to go, despite his mother’s reluctance. Just as she predicted, Kylo accidentally overshared about what happened at home, and he got taken away for a short period. After some tactful and coordinated lying, he was allowed to come home, but things never really returned to normal.

The piercing noise usually rang the loudest when Kylo thought of his mother, and though he could not hear it now, he did not want to tempt fate. He pinched down on the piece of his hand that had been bitten, and the sharp pain that shoots up his arm and down his leg shocks his system enough to stand up and walk to the payphone.

Rose loved to stay up on New Year’s Eve to celebrate, so he knew it would not bother her too much just to hear her voice. 

The phone only rings once before he hears the familiar warmth of his friend.

“Kylo, is everything alright?”

“Hey, not really. I uh – I’ve been having a real shitty night.”

“I mean, I hate to be the one to say I told you so.”

“Yeah yeah yeah I know. I should have just stayed with you guys.”

“Well don’t sound too excited. You know I’m loads of fun - oh, wait, listen. Paige is reaching for the phone; she wants to say hi to you,”

“No, please don’t.”

Kylo can hear Rose encouraging the infant’s babbling, and can’t do anything but listen until Rose is satisfied.

“She said she’s sad that you couldn’t spend new years with us, but that she loves you anyway.”

“I love her too - but Rose, this is kind of important.”

“Oh, yes, of course. I’m assuming you need some advice on what to do with that escort you’re waiting for?”

“Yeah, I think she _knows_.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.”

“On a scale from one to ten, how much do you _feel_ like knows?”

Kylo puts some serious thought into his answer. Despite the weather being a very cool fifty degrees, his nervous sweating was enough to let him know he was above halfway, but he couldn’t possibly be a ten, or he would be home already.

“Six.” He says, still unsure if that’s accurate.

“That’s not so bad.”

“There’s a good chance she saw the stuff.”

“The chloroform?”

“I mean, she saw my handkerchief, and I’m pretty sure she moved the knife from where I hid it in the bathroom.”

“Here’s the big question. Why haven’t you killed her yet?”

“We hit a bit of a snag.”

“Are you still planning on it?

“I’m considering all of my options.”

“Okay, so she saw the handkerchief, and she might’ve seen the knife. You could easily bullshit a reason as to why you had those in your hotel room. Did she _say_ anything to make you think she knows?”

“She said some weird stuff in the cab, but she didn’t elaborate too much.”

“Did you tell her about how your mom would touch you, and how after your dad left because of how much he hated you, she started beating you, and you’d have to choke yourself until the ringing in your ears stopped?

Kylo looked over his shoulder, paranoid that someone was listening in to his conversation.

“No,” he whispered after covering his mouth and part of the phone with his hand, “it didn’t really seem right to bring any of that up.”

“Well then, if she doesn’t know any of that, I think you’re okay.”

“Really?”

“I see this playing out one of three ways; the first one is that Rey knows exactly what’s going on, but she’s batshit crazy and wants to die. In that case, she’s not going to say anything to the doctors. All you have to do is wait for her to get out, let her take you home, and then stab her. The second one is the same but a little different; she knows what’s going on, but she was just playing along to buy some time. In that case, she told the doctor everything, the police are on their way, and you’re completely fucked.”

“I don’t like that one.”

“Yeah, that one’s the worst. But the third possibility is that she doesn’t know anything, so you can stick to your original plan and kill her once she takes you home. That’s only one out of three against you, so I say you should just kill her either way.”

“But I don’t hear it anymore.”

“And how long do you think that’s going to last? What about the next time you come to visit us? Can you guarantee that you won’t stab me or Paige?”

“Well, uhh…I haven’t so far.”

“Gee, your concern for our life is touching.”

“I don’t want to kill you or Paige, I promise. I just – it’s like an itch I can’t scratch. And I feel like I’m getting so close to the right spot to make it stop itching.”

“So make it stop, Kylo. Kill her.”

***

Nearly two hours later, Rey walks out of the clinic; her fur coat wrapped tightly around her body. Kylo is confused at the sight of her bandaged leg. As if reading his mind, Rey laughs and nonchalantly opens her coat to show that she was only in her underwear again.

Kylo forces himself to focus on the blinding white bandages running up a considerable length of her thigh.

“I had to wear one of those gowns while they patched me up, and it was too much trouble trying to put the overalls back on without you, so I just didn't.”

“Okay…well, we should probably call for a car, so you don’t freeze out here.” He reached out for her coat and closed it for her since she seemed fine to leave it open.

“Don’t worry about it. I called them while I was in there. They should be here soon.”

“Oh, okay. That’s good then. Uh, thank you.” 

He took hold of her arm and led her to the bench. Kylo hoped she would stay seated where he’d placed her, but as soon as he took the spot on the opposite end, she scooted herself right next to him so that her injured thigh was pushed up against his. 

“Hey. Thanks for waiting for me. I was really afraid you wouldn’t be here when I got out.” Rey was kicking her legs underneath her like a little girl on a swingset.

“I told you I’d wait.”

“Yeah…I guess you did. But you still could’ve left.”

Kylo looks into her eyes then. The dusting of black eyeshadow she had was smudged, reminding him of a heavy raincloud. He could smell the petrichor just from looking into her hazel eyes, and it made his chest swell with anxiety and another feeling he couldn’t place. Her eyes were still glazed over, but he could feel her presence at that moment, and somehow he knew she was speaking with all the sincerity she could muster.

“It really means a lot.” 

Kylo was tempted to tell her to go home without him, but there is a loud bang in the distance followed by popping and crackling.

They both jerk their heads in the direction of the sounds and see the twinkling sparks of a white and blue firework off in the distance.

“Happy New Year, Ben!”

There is another bang and another and another. The sky is filled with the dazzling colors of the rainbow as the sparks cascade and fizzle in quick succession. Kylo looks long enough to see an incredibly elaborate firework in the shape of the yin-yang symbol but turns so he can see Rey’s reactions instead.

A wide grin fills the lower portion of her face, and Kylo can feel the tops of his ears get hot. The light of the fireworks reflects off of every part of her face, and he can’t help but stare. He doesn’t realize just how intensely he’s staring until she catches him out of the corner of her eye. 

“Look at you. You’re the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.” She reaches up and cradles Kylo’s cheek, rubbing his jaw with her thumb.

Her skin is still cold, but he happily imagines himself melting into her. Maybe he could if he tried hard enough.

“I just want to hit you.” Her words disorient him since they don’t match the toothy smile still on her face. He tries to pull away from her, but the grip she has on his jaw has tightened considerably.

“W-what did you say?”

“I said I want to hit you. And not just a slap on the cheek either. I want to punch you in the face as hard as I can. Then I could fuck you, and you’d stay with me forever.” 

Kylo’s first instinct is to run away from her like he did when he first tried to clean her leg. This was another one of those red flags that frightened him, but for some God-forsaken reason, he chooses to ignore it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone take a shot when Kylo asks someone to repeat what they've said XD


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo goes on a trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a bit of facial mutilation in this chapter but it's just Rey giving Kylo that facial scar, so nothing we haven't experienced before. Also, there are more references to childhood physical and sexual abuse. None of it is explicit, but just a heads up.

The apartment is larger than he expected. Elegant emerald wallpaper adorned the walls and the gold damask detailing catches Kylo’s eyes with every step into the entryway. He was expecting something much seedier.

“You can leave your shoes on the mat right there.” 

Kylo nods but keeps his shoes on and grips the handle of his bag tightly, scanning the large studio apartment.

“Would you like something to drink?” Rey asks as she rushs to pick up stray dishes from the coffee table and laundry that had been thrown to the ground. “I have this new espresso machine – well it’s not _new_ new. I got it at this estate sale a couple of days ago, and the guy there said it was only used a couple of times. I got it for like two hundred bucks, and it’s one of those professional ones from Germany. They’re worth way more than that. It’s very fancy stuff.”

Rey’s eyes go back to Kylo every couple of seconds as she makes her way around the room. 

“Would you like an espresso?” She asks, walking behind the partition that separates the kitchen from the rest of the apartment. “Or maybe a beer or a gin and tonic.” Her head peaks up from behind the partition and Kylo watches as her eyes dart from his shoes that are still on, his bag still held tightly in hand, and the front door that is still wide open.

“An espresso is fine.”

She nods at his request but doesn’t move, probably worried about another escape attempt. 

To ease her mind, Kylo puts his bag down and shuts the door. When he turns back, Rey smiles at him before disappearing once again. Several whirring and clanking sounds make his ear twitch, but, other than that, he remains relatively motionless in the hall. 

Rey rushes out of the kitchen again to check on Kylo and chuckles to herself when she sees him, as if acknowledging her own paranoia. 

She walkes over to the other side of the room where several wood panels line the wall and presses one of them to reveal a pull-out closet. There are random piles of dirty clothes tucked away in corners of the apartment so most of the hangers are empty, but she manages to put together an outfit after some quiet grumbling. 

“You can sit you know. Just make yourself comfortable.”

Kylo was rarely comfortable – in his own home and in his own skin. There was no way he would be able to get comfortable in this strange woman’s apartment.

He sits on the couch anyway and does his best not to stare when Rey finally shruggs off her coat. The wilting plants scattered all over the apartment manage to hold his attention for a while, and small knick-knacks on shelves and empty picture frames hanging on the wall distract him long enough for Rey to unclasp her bra and slip on a long-sleeved, grey shirt.

“Your apartment’s very nice,” Kylo calls out, turning his head in time to see her pull a black, cotton skirt over the curve of her ass.

“I’m glad you like it.”

A loud hissing noise catches their attention, and Rey pushes the closet back into the wall before tottering quickly back to the espresso machine.

Kylo listens to Rey mess with the machine without turning to look. Her feet patter against the floor, and dishes clank together, but he keeps his eyes trained in front of him. There is a small gold tray on the coffee table in front of him in the shape of a seashell; on it, a stray lip balm, some quarters, a single hoop earring, and a razor blade.

Kylo reaches for the blade to inspect it, but Rey was is at his side in an instant, coffee in hand. He tries playing off his movement as if he’d just meant to place his hand on his lap and hoped she didn’t notice. Rey held out the small cup to Kylo and settled herself next to him. There is enough space between them to keep from overwhelming him while still being close enough to satisfy Rey. 

“Thank you.” Kylo grabs the cup and inhales the rich steam coming out of it. “This smells delicious.”

“It’s some fancy brand that the sellers threw in with the machine. Well, it took some haggling, but I broke them down eventually.” Rey smiled and took a big gulp of coffee. Kylo tried to mimic her but burns his tongue in the process and is only able to take a sip.

She doesn’t laugh at his pain, but she does give him a knowing smile and puts the cup down on the coffee table.

“I think we should put on some music.” Rey hops off the couch, paying no mind to her leg, and walks over to a stand off to the side where a record player sat.

When she bends over to search through the records on the shelf below, Kylo gets a good view of her ass. He also gets a rather good view of her Achilles tendon. Maybe he could grab that razor and slice them before she turns around. Then she wouldn’t be able to run and he’d easily be able to get on top of her and slit her-

“Did everything go okay at the hospital?” Kylo cleared his throat and took another sip of the coffee in an attempt to swallow his other thoughts.

Rey stands up straight with a record in hand and places it on the turntable, ignoring his question completely. 

_Run from me, darlin’_

_Run my good wife_

_Run from me, darlin’_

_You better run for your life_

She sways along to the quiet folk song for a verse before she turns and her eyes land on his hand.

“Oh God. Your hand! I completely spaced.” Rey rushes over to his side and gently grabs the hand that she had bitten into.

The impression of her top and bottom jaw is clear against his pale skin, enhanced by the deep purple bruise encircling the area. Kylo had rinsed his hand at the hotel, but blood had come back to the surface and dried in the well of her teeth marks.

“I can still clean it up if you want. I have antiseptic.”

“No.” He does his best to flex his hand but it spasms and he has to bite back a quiet grunt. “No, no. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Kylo nods and pulls his hand away from hers.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay...Are you hungry at least?” Rey asks, rushing off to the kitchen. “You look like you need food. I make really good soup. Well, it’s instant soup – but instant soup can be delicious. You just have to know what to add.”

Kylo leans back into the couch and listens to Rey prattle on about cream consommé, milk, and different spices like cumin, turmeric, and chili powder. Cabinets open and close, the faucet runs, and the sound of Rey explaining how curry powder can accentuate the sweetness in milk muffles the sounds of the music in the background.

She’s distracted. Maybe now is the best time for Kylo to get the chloroform and ice pick.

_I just want to talk to her first._

Kylo has nothing to talk about with this stranger. He just needs to kill her.

Like she is answering his call, Rey is back at his side. Her eyes flit between him and his bag, and she tilts her head as if to ask him what he’s so focused on.

“What did you tell them at the hospital?” Kylo finally asks. 

“About what?”

“About me.”

She scrunches her nose, confused at his insinuation that she would bring him up at all. 

“I didn’t mention you.” Rey turns her body more toward him and throws her arm onto the back of the couch, letting her hand rest on Kylo’s shoulder. “I just told them I was riding my bike and fell off. Bikes have all these things that stick out like the gears and chains – oh and that thing for your water bottle. People get a bunch of cuts and bruises on their legs when they fall because of all that stuff.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, big time. I don’t have a bike or anything, but I read about it in one of those outdoorsy magazines. They even included these gruesome pictures where some guy had skinned the entire front part of his leg and-”

“No, not that. You really told the doctor that?”

“Well yeah…I mean, I don’t think he believed me, but he obviously didn’t care enough to ask.”

“That doesn’t seem very professional.”

“It was probably because of all the other scars.”

“What other scars?”

Without another word, Rey stands up in front of him and lifts her skirt right at the hem of her underwear, giving Kylo a full view of her thighs. Of course, his eyes go straight to the bandaged leg, and Rey has to shift her weight and twist her body slightly so that the unbandaged leg is at the forefront of Kylo’s attention.

There, scattered across her tan leg, are punctured holes with puckered skin and raised slants with pale scars. Kylo can't believe he missed it before. It was a mosaic of pain and anguish, and it was now calling to him. Beckoning him to get closer – to touch.

“Do you want to touch them?”

Her voice sounds distant, and Kylo is unsure if he heard her correctly, but he reaches out his injured hand before she can change her mind. He takes his time tracing the trail of her scar tissue with the pad of his fingers. A heady mixture of anxiety and arousal rushes over him, but Kylo keeps his movements slow, working his way from the outside of her leg until his fingers brush the apex of her thighs. He presses his fingers deeper into her skin and revels in the feeling of her femoral artery pulsating steadily against his touch.

Kylo takes a deep breath and leans forward enough to rest his head on her stomach. Fortunatley, she doesn't pull away. Rey runs her hands through his hair, splaying out her fingers against his scalp, gently rubing away the tension that had been building throughout the evening. Kylo hopes they can stay like this for the rest of the night, but the thought of reopening all the scars on her legs settle easily in his mind, and he weighs the possibility of being able to do both.

Cut her open Kylo.

He feels the faintest tug on his hair, but he pays no mind to it.

Cut her open Kylo. Do it.

There is another tug at his scalp, this time forceful enough to yank his head off her stomach. Kylo looked up at Rey in confusion and she is squinting down at him. Studying him.

Her mouth parts slightly to say something, but she stops. After another moment of stillness, Rey releases the hold on Kylo’s hair and scurries into the kitchen where the water the pot is beginning to boil over.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Rey yells out as she lifts the pot off the stove. “Okay, you know what, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Kylo stays on the couch, recovering from the feeling of being so close to the beautiful stranger and mulling over his contradictory feelings toward her. She has made the night much more difficult than he had hoped or anticipated, but there was no denying the relief he felt being held by her.

“Ben?” 

Kylo turns to see Rey standing by the circular table in the kitchen, holding onto the back of an empty chair for him to sit in.

“Food’s ready.”

He takes one last look at his bag before getting up from the couch and making his way to the table which had been set neatly with placemats and assorted cutlery.

Rey seems uncharacteristically quiet while eating, leaving Kylo to wonder what was going to happen when they finished. She had made such a big deal about him leaving her alone so there was no way she was going to make him leave now. What were they supposed to do? It doesn't really seem like an appropriate night for watching a movie. 

_Maybe if I ask, she’ll hold me and let me touch her legs again._

Kylo doesn’t have to ask. He can take whatever he wants. 

“You don’t think I put too much curry powder, do you?”

“Hmm?”

“Is it too spicy?”

There is a faint buzzing in the back of his throat, but the spice wasn’t anything he hadn’t tried before.

“Umm, no.”

“Good.” She nodded emphatically and lifted her bowl to slurp up the rest. Kylo mirrors her movement and lifts the bowl to his mouth. Some of the soup goes down the wrong pipe, and he finishes with a choked gasp. Kylo reaches for his glass of water but somehow misses completely and nearly knocks it over. 

“S-s-s…” Kylo tries to apologize but his tongue feels weighed down, and he can't open his mouth wide enough for the rest of the word. 

Kylo doesn't see her move, but Rey is now at his side, happily collecting the dishes to take to the sink. He watches her wash one bowl before something out of the corner of his eye catches his attention. The gold detailing in the wallpaper twinkles and Kylo follows the flicker of light to the wall next to the wooden panels of Rey’s pullout closet. He focuses on the pattern and watches in confused awe as it begins to pulse. The pulsing is steady at first, almost calming, but it begins to swirl around the entire apartment until the pattern is collapsing in on itself and expanding into mirrored shapes like a kaleidoscope.

A tremor shake Kylo in his seat and he grips the table to stabilize himself.

“Fuck.” He grunts as the table rattles and the dishes behind the cabinets shake.

The shaking stops suddenly, and a loud bang brings his attention back to where Rey is standing by the sink, calmly drying the dishes she had washed.

_What the fuck is happening?_

Kylo’s whole body goes numb, the only feeling coming from the painful pounding of his heart against his chest. He tries to stand up but fails to lift the weight of his body. After taking as deep a breath as possible, Kylo musters the strength to hoist himself up from the chair. The room shakes again when he is finally upright, causing him to stumble into the wall. After taking another deep breath he pushes off the wall and makes his way back to the couch where he falls to the ground.

With his cheek dragging along the carpet, Kylo clumsily crawls forward. He isn't exactly sure where he is going or what he wants to do, but he continues on anyway.

The piano and electric guitar playing in the background warp in Kylo's ears as he struggles to bring himself back up to his knees.

Two small feet step in front of him, blocking his way, and Kylo’s head lolls back and forth as he tries to look up to see Rey’s face. But it isn't Rey. A small boy with pale skin and striking black curls stands in front of him, crying. Without a word, the boy begins choking himself, and Kylo watches in horror as the boy’s tear-stained face turnes purple.

“Stop.” Kylo manages to whimper out lamely, but the boy doesn’t listen. A wet spot appears on the boy’s jeans and Kylo can feel himself struggling to breathe as the spot trails down into a small puddle on the floor.

The music distorts again, speeding up to match Kylo’s heartbeat. He looks around the room to try to find Rey, only to see her standing next to the partition, watching him, completely unphased. 

Kylo rolls over onto his back and convulses on the floor, his shoulders shaking and his head snapping back and forth. Black spots fill his field of view, but Rey remains clear as she casually walks up to him and stands straddled over him.

“Sorry, Ben. It’s just that you’re a pretty big boy so I wasn’t sure how much to give you. Don’t worry though. It's just Halcion. That panicky feeling is totally normal.”

Kylo reaches up to grab her legs but they fall like slabs of cement back onto the ground, and he's left helpless as the fibers of the carpet sprout from the floor and slither up his arm, restraining him and cutting off the circulation in his limbs.

He can see Rey's mouth moving, but her voice mixes with the distorted music, and no matter how hard Kylo tries, he can't understand a single word she's saying. 

Kylo blinks hard and Rey is gone.

He blinks again and he is no longer laying on the ground, but standing in a dark hallway, outside of his childhood bedroom. No. He can’t be here. Why is he here?

The hallway is quiet, but he can hear familiar moans coming from behind the door making his chest tighten with fear. With a shallow breath, Kylo opens the door and sees himself at nine years old. Just a boy with quickly growing limbs, and curly black hair that his mother makes him grow out to cover his big ears. He’s sitting at the end of his bed with his mother on her knees in front of him. 

“You’re being such a good boy for me, Ben. After this, you can help mommy feel good too, okay?”

Kylo watches reluctantly as his mother runs her hand through his hair and continues to bob her head on his lap. He feels the familiar warmth pool in his stomach, but it is followed quickly by overwhelming shame. The shame snakes up his body, burning him from the inside out and settles on his tongue like thick tar, keeping him from crying out for help. 

A piercing ring fills the room, increasing in volume until the walls began to shake. Kylo runs out and down the hall looking for a room, but every door is locked. At the end of the hall, Kylo finds his parent’s bedroom unlocked and slams it shut. Inside, he sees himself a little older, sniffling at the foot of the bed as his father yells at him for wetting his bed again.

“What do we have to fucking do for this to end? Do I have to fucking duct tape you to the toilet at night? Is that what you want? You piece of shit.” His father doesn't hit him, but he never really had to. His words were painful enough. 

The smell of cheap beer in the room overwhelms him suddenly, making Kylo gag. As he's doubled over, heaving out into the air, the ringing noise begins emanating from the walls of the room, louder and higher pitched than before. His eardrums throb and he runs out into the hallway again, looking for any way out. But he knows there's really no way out. The house is completely dark, like a black hole eager to swallow and entrap any bit of light unlucky enough to come near its gravitational pull. And he was unlucky enough to be born into this black hole.

Through the darkness, Kylo feels something beckon him, and he follows the pull all the way to the laundry room. There he finds himself at thirteen, sitting on the floor waiting for the washer to finish its cycle, praying that his mother doesn’t come home before he’s done.

Just as the washer beeps to alert him, his mother barges through the door. 

“What a fucking surprise – in the laundry room, waiting for your piss-stained sheets.” She bends down and flicks the ashes of the cigarette she’s smoking onto him. Kylo watches as his younger self sits quietly and waits for the rest of the undeserving punishment. By thirteen, Ben towered over his mother and was much heavier. He could easily stop her. He could wrap his hands around her neck and squeeze every ounce of life out of her. But no. It was best just to take it. That way she could get all her anger out, and later at night when she snuck into his room to apologize, he could make her feel good, and then she could hold him close to her chest and play with his hair until he fell back asleep.

“You’re worthless, you know that right?” She whispers into his ear. “A waste of life. I should have aborted you like your father wanted.”

Kylo is startled by a burning sensation just as his mother puts out the cigarette on his arm and winces in pain, while his younger self barely flinches.

Get out. Get out. He has to get out of here.

Kylo throws himself back to run, but the door has disappeared, and he’s forced to stay and watch as his mother starts punching and slapping him with little care of where her blows land on his hunched-over body.

The piercing ring finds him once again and knocks him to the ground. It blares in his ear so loudly he can only move to curl in on himself, folding his knees as close to his chest as possible. Like nails on a chalkboard, the ringing roots deeply in Kylo’s eardrum and makes him slam his head against the ground in hopes of any kind of relief.

Kylo opens his eyes with a choked gasp.

“You’re okay Ben. Just relax.”

_Rey._

She is lying next to him on the ground, her head on his chest and her fingers combing through his hair. Kylo takes a deep breath but the air hurts too much and he chokes again and coughs until he spits up all over himself. 

“Hold on. Let me clean you up.”

Rey leaves his side for a minute and comes back with a damp towel. The feeling in his limbs is back, but incredibly dulled and he can barely form a coherent thought.

“You. You. What d-did you do to me?”

She pats around his chin and neck where spit-up had gathered.

“I just wanted you to feel it.”

“F-feel what?”

“All of it.”

“No,” Kylo grunts. It takes all his strength to roll back onto his stomach, away from her. “No. No. No. Get away from me.”

“Ben please, don’t work yourself up.” Rey tries patting his shoulder, but he flinches away from her touch. He wants to scream at her, but it feels like he’s being force-fed gravel.

“I’m gonna kill you,” he huffs out, doing his best to army crawl to his bag.

"Don't be like that Ben. Please."

"I'm going to kill you." It's all he's able to think and say. 

“Tsk tsk tsk. Well,” she sighs, “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to do this."

Kylo makes the mistake of stopping to look over his shoulder, and when she steps beside him, he feels the searing pain of something hard and cold slash at the side of his head. He falls onto his back and cups his ear. Panic sets in as he realizes he'd just been hit. But before he can protest or curse out, Rey raises her hand and swings for him again. Kylo barely has time to react, but he’s able to cover his face, and the object slashes the knuckles of his already injured hand.

He can’t see the blood, but he can feel the warmth of the sticky substance dripping down his ear onto his neck and pooling into his palm.

“Feel the pain, Ben.” Rey straddles him and raises her arm once more. “Feel it, then let it go.”

In a haze of adrenaline, Kylo watches with anticipation as she swings down and slashes his face from his forehead down to his collarbone. Like a bolt of lightning, the pain shoots through his hand and explodes behind his eyes. There’s a loud thud as he falls back and his head smacks into the ground.

Kylo is overwhelmed with the smell of violets as Rey lies next to him, nestling into the crook of his neck.

Everything is so quiet.

The lights in the room dim, but Kylo does his best to focus on Rey - the feel of her leg draped over him and the warmth of her core on his thigh. The feeling of her slight fingers trace his Adam’s apple, and she gently presses her lips against the open gash on his face.

_Let go. Just let it go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The song Rey puts on](https://youtu.be/rbity554pSg)


End file.
